'Classic' Tweets

I have a Twitter account. It is @hahildebrand. These are some of the things I have written on there at some point (or, earlier, under the @juniorministers account). If you would like to follow me, that would be lovely. And if you’d like to repeat any of these things – ie, to look cool to your friends/enemies etc – please attribute ‘em to me. Thanks, pals. I’ll probably update this every now and then.

Those Tweets, then.

– Get reincarnated or die trying.

- The opposite of Schindler’s List is Juno.

– With an abacus, size doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it that counts.

– I know Jordan in the biblical sense. (ie I read half-truths and lies written about her by people who weren’t actually there at the time.)

– I’d rather be burned as a whom, than a which.

– Clothes maketh the man. Children maketh the clothes.

– If you are afraid of being murdered, try this: stab yourself once a day, every day. Over time you will build up an immunity.

– When life gives you lemonade, make lemonadeade.

– Sometimes I think I’m looking back on the shark attack with rose tinted glasses, but then I remember all the blood in my snorkel mask.

– Can’t remember what’s worse – racism, or sexism? Help a brother out, bitches.

– My 80s skincare regime included a LOT of axelfoleyating.

– Cyclopses come from that one island.

– Skewering hypocritical public figures is not the job of the satirist. It’s the job of the avenging moralistic cannibal kebab shop owner.

- Police discovered the location of the glory hole thanks to an anonymous tip.

– Nuns are birds of pray.

– Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Breakdance unexpectedly, and the world looks on in fuckin’ awe.

– I am wearing a smoking jacket, smoking shirt, and smoking trousers. I have been badly burned.

– Give a man a fish and he will live for a day. Fill a submarine with fish and there will be hell to pay, young man.

– The thing about islands is water.

– If you can’t beat them, join them. They’ll present a larger and less mobile target. Then beat them.

– You say ‘tomato’. I say ‘tomato’. We both work for the Tomato Promotions Council.

– In the wild west, gangs of unruly youths would often go around letting the air out of horses’ legs.

– Let’s run it up the flagpole and see who goes to war and dies for it.

– Q. What is a Mole? A. A Vole on crutches.

– I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My mother was a kleptomaniac.

– When Great Britain wears something sheer, everyone can see its coastline.

– On a romantic date, maintain eye contact at all times, including during the film.

– Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give clay pigeon shooting a bad name.

– Q. Why did the chicken read The Road? A. A friend had recommended it as the chicken had previously enjoyed Blood Meridian.

– The trouble with putting your best foot forward is the awkward conversation with the other foot.

– 93% of people deserve to have their nipples clamped, according to sadistics.

– The most impractical mythological creature was the horsemanship.

– In the olden days, when the letter S looked like an F, Sunday was Funday. But they also fucked ice lollies, so there’s that.

– They call it anal sex because everything has to go in exactly the right place.

– I like my women the way I like my chicken: intensively reared.

– Humans are the animal that find it hardest to get to sleep (not counting sheep).

– No Nanny McWin, no Nanny McPhee.

– “That’s just semantics,” she insisted. “No, that’s just some antics,” he countered.

– I like to send get well soon cards to people who live in arid areas.

– ”Ho ho ho, my sex is on fire” – Kings of Noel

– Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman says ‘You’re bard’ and Shakespeare goes nuts, glassing like 6 guys before the cops arrive

– The penguin is mightier than the swordguin.

– I wish the Mission:Impossible films were about priests failing to convert natives who have a strong, vibrant tradition of secular humanism.

– When the Village People left their village, the remaining villagers had to look elsewhere for many essential services.

– My colleagues surprised me for my birthday by having some cake burst out of a lady.

– I’ve been beaten to death by a lot of old people.

– You never see Peter Pan and Robin Hood in the same room together, having really hot sex.

– Lying: the most fun you can have with your pants on fire.

–  ’Am I Wright, or am I Wright?’ – Orville and Wilbur Wright

– Forget about holding the running of the bulls here, Jake. It’s Chinatown.

– Found a picture of Jesus on my toast. With Nutella all over his face he looks REALLY racist.

– For years I saved all of my pocket money. When I left home I spent it all on thousands of pockets.

– Work out your nickname by putting the words “The Twat” between your first name and surname.

– She wore an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini, which many thought unsuitable for an open casket.

– Been wearing elbow patches for a while. Now down to two elbows a day.

– I like my women the way I like my coffins: without my grandfather inside them.

– Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got. My lunar expedition was largely considered a failure.

– I always keep a bullet in my breast pocket in case someone throws a bible at me.

– “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow/This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo” – Eminem’s sad birthday cake song

– The worst part about putting your penis inside a tomato is that it feels a little seedy.

– Every word of the Bible is TRUE. Which makes it very repetitive.

– I say tomatoes. You say two martyrs. I apologise for the misunderstanding.

– Just witnessed an attempted murder. Two of the crows flew off.

– The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, and the Lord occasionally dineth in.

–  I hate it when you wave at someone because you think they waved at you but it turns out they are triumphantly brandishing a severed arm.

– If you’re thinking about removing a letter from the word ‘donut’: don’t