I have a Twitter account. It is @hahildebrand. These are some of the things I have written on there at some point (or, earlier, under the @juniorministers account). If you would like to follow me, that would be lovely. And if you’d like to repeat any of these things – ie, to look cool to your friends/enemies etc – please attribute ‘em to me. Thanks, pals. I’ll probably update this every now and then.
Those Tweets, then.
- The opposite of Schindler’s List is Juno.
– With an abacus, size doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it that counts.
– Clothes maketh the man. Children maketh the clothes.
– If you are afraid of being murdered, try this: stab yourself once a day, every day. Over time you will build up an immunity.
– Sometimes I think I’m looking back on the shark attack with rose tinted glasses, but then I remember all the blood in my snorkel mask.
– My 80s skincare regime included a LOT of axelfoleyating.
– Skewering hypocritical public figures is not the job of the satirist. It’s the job of the avenging moralistic cannibal kebab shop owner.
- Police discovered the location of the glory hole thanks to an anonymous tip.
– Nuns are birds of pray.
– If you can’t beat them, join them. They’ll present a larger and less mobile target. Then beat them.
– You say ‘tomato’. I say ‘tomato’. We both work for the Tomato Promotions Council.
– In the wild west, gangs of unruly youths would often go around letting the air out of horses’ legs.
– Q. What is a Mole? A. A Vole on crutches.
– When Great Britain wears something sheer, everyone can see its coastline.
– Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give clay pigeon shooting a bad name.
– Q. Why did the chicken read The Road? A. A friend had recommended it as the chicken had previously enjoyed Blood Meridian.
– The trouble with putting your best foot forward is the awkward conversation with the other foot.
– The most impractical mythological creature was the horsemanship.
– In the olden days, when the letter S looked like an F, Sunday was Funday. But they also fucked ice lollies, so there’s that.
– They call it anal sex because everything has to go in exactly the right place.
– I like my women the way I like my chicken: intensively reared.
– “That’s just semantics,” she insisted. “No, that’s just some antics,” he countered.
– I like to send get well soon cards to people who live in arid areas.
– ”Ho ho ho, my sex is on fire” – Kings of Noel
– I’ve been beaten to death by a lot of old people.
– You never see Peter Pan and Robin Hood in the same room together, having really hot sex.
– Lying: the most fun you can have with your pants on fire.
– ’Am I Wright, or am I Wright?’ – Orville and Wilbur Wright
– Forget about holding the running of the bulls here, Jake. It’s Chinatown.
– Found a picture of Jesus on my toast. With Nutella all over his face he looks REALLY racist.
– For years I saved all of my pocket money. When I left home I spent it all on thousands of pockets.
– Work out your nickname by putting the words “The Twat” between your first name and surname.
– Been wearing elbow patches for a while. Now down to two elbows a day.
– The worst part about putting your penis inside a tomato is that it feels a little seedy.