H Anthony Hildebrand

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An Event of Some Kind: Your FREE GUIDE

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© An Event Of Some Kind 2011

 

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

The following Terms and Conditions govern your use of this Guide (henceforth referred to as ‘the Guide’, ‘the document’, ‘this fuckin’ thing’, or ‘Dan’). By accepting, reading, viewing, glancing at, having thrust open, or acknowledging the existence of the Guide, you agree to abide by these Terms and Conditions. Penalties for non-adherence to the Terms and Conditions are outlined in Part C (1 and 2) of this fuckin’ thing. In these Terms and Conditions, ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’ and ‘AEOSK’ refer to AEOSK Ltd, AEOSK Villas, Balham, London, and should be treated with due deference and respect. Any lack of deference and/or respect will be frowned upon and tutted at with extreme prejudice, and may be blogged about or Tweeted with regard to. These Terms and Conditions do not apply to AEOSK Ltd, its employees, pals, chums or relatives, as-yet undiscovered extraterrestrial overlords, or others identified at AEOSK’s discretion. This is unlikely to mean you, so don’t get your hopes up.

Part A (ay)

(1)       You acknowledge that the minute you walked in the door we could tell you were a real big spender. By spending big you will reinforce this considered view and thus give a real nice ego boost to us. Under no circumstances may you attempt to claim credit for this ego boost or use it for commercial or emotional gain.

(2)       You acknowledge that you are responsible for making back-up copies of all of your family and friends and taking appropriate precautions against these copies (‘clones’) in the event of clone-based reprisals, revolution, war or hijinks. Creating a clone is a complicated process and should not be attempted by minors or idiots. A clone is not just for Christmas. Under no circumstances may you create a clone for the sole purpose of punching it in the face and going like “Why are you hitting yourself why are you hitting yourself?” Clone punching should only occur during sanctioned clone fights officiated by Clone Fighting League™ referees and broadcast on the Clone Fighting Channel (‘CFC’). CFC TV: the home of clones punching each other.

(3)       Whilst we try to ensure the Guide does not contain any error, defect, malfunction or corruption, we do not accept responsibility for any damage to or loss of data on your nervous system, social network or index card filing system that results from the misuse or explosion of the Guide or any materials made available via the Guide (with the exception of profit or physical/sexual satisfaction for which we accept full responsibility and retain the right to brag about it to our mates and for them to talk about us to Third Parties in the event such talk makes us sound cool and that).

(4)       We shall not be liable to you for any of the following types of loss or damage arising out of or in connection with your use of the Guide or any content and/or facilities provided via the Guide :

  • any loss of profits, loss of earnings, loss of anticipated savings, goodwill or revenue;
  • any loss of status, respect, desirability, or virility; or
  • any indirect or consequential loss such as loose change, keys, children, elderly relatives or casualties of conflicts current, future or past in territories local or foreign, real or imagined, in dimensions as-yet undiscovered, forever and ever, amen.

(5)       There is not, nor ever shall be, a party like an S Club Party. Parties purporting to be equal to or greater than an S Club Party will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law; more so if said party is a costume party in which some people have made a lot of effort and others have not really tried despite promising that they would.

(6)       If you can’t stand the heat, lay it gently on its side.

(7)       Each provision of this Paragraph shall be construed separately as between you and us. If any part is held by a court to be unreasonable, inapplicable, nonsensical or unenforceable, then the other parts shall still apply, and the court shall be held in contempt of itself and all that is right and good, and ignored for our sake and the sake of our children and/or pets.

 

Part B (bee)

 

(1)       If in the course of using this guide you discover proof of your status as a deity or member of a superteam of deities you grant full immunity to AEOSK for any past sins or transgressions as identified under your supreme law.

(2)       You agree to grant AEOSK three wishes, one of which wishes may be for an infinite number of wishes. Any of these wishes may be for AEOSK or appointed person/s to receive powers including but not limited to status as supermega deity (ie deity ruling over any other individual deity or superteam of deities) with infinite superpowers, immortality, and a big flowing beard or beards.

(3)       You shall not make a fuss about any of this as we have thought about it a lot, probably more than you have.

 

Part C (see)

 

(1)       AEOSK offers all users of the Guide over the age of 16 the option of joining the AEOSK community. Please note that the Community is not intended for under 16s. If we discover anyone under this age has obtained a copy of the Guide, their access will be removed immediately and their parents and/or guardians will be taken from their beds in the middle of the night and frightened by men dressed as werewolves. If insufficient fear is generated they will be embarrassed in public at an undisclosed time.

(2)       The purpose of the Community is to praise, flatter and shower AEOSK in gifts and heaps of cash. If the Community is used for purposes other than this, punishment as defined in Part C (1) shall be administered, with added menace.

(3)       You agree to surrender any silver bullets or silver objects which have the capacity to be fashioned into bullets to AEOSK at any time.

(4)       You acknowledge that you are solely responsible for all of the evil in the world and as such have no right/s to get all uppity about things when they don’t go exactly the way you want them to.

(5)       By accepting these terms and conditions you agree that any and all communications you may participate in, including but not limited to chat sessions, text messages, sign language, gestures, telepathy, essays, ‘SOS’ or ‘HELP’ messages written with sticks in the beach sand of a desert island, articles, documents, emails, graffiti, discussions, thumps on the floor or ceiling of your flat, Morse code, missives, epistles, speeches, jottings, conversations or incitement to racial or religious violence become the property of AEOSK for its unlimited use in perpetuity, and you acknowledge that this is a privilege and a gift bestowed upon you by your betters.

(6)       In the event of a zombie apocalypse or other less serious zombie-related event you agree not to eat the brains of AEOSK or its friends or loved ones. In the event that AEOSK or its associates is bitten or becomes zombified in some way before you do, you agree to offer up your brain (including all associated elements of your nervous system) to AEOSK or nominated person/s for their ravenous, mindless consumption. In the unlikely event that both you and AEOSK become zombified simultaneously you acknowledge that AEOSK will be the boss zombie and get to order you around using whatever grunts or signals are available post-conversion.

(7)       In the event of a vampire-style situation, you agree to act in the spirit of Part C (6) but replacing ‘brains’ with ‘blood’ and acknowledging that AEOSK is a much more sexy vampire and you will help to protect its coffin or crypt or whatever and sacrifice yourself in order to protect vampire AEOSK.

(8)       You will endeavour to find out (a) if it is possible for trolls to infect regular people who then become trolls or (b) whether trolls just want to kill us; if (a) you will let AEOSK be the boss troll, and if (b) you will throw yourself to the trolls in order to give AEOSK the opportunity to run away.

 

Part D (dee)

 

(1)       Make love like no one is watching. Dance like you’re not being paid.

 

Part E (like it’s 1999)

 

(1)       By agreeing to these Terms and Conditions you waive any and all rights.

(2)       If you wave at these Terms and Conditions, so what, y’know – what difference does it make?[1]

(3)       You agree to use punctuation as accurately and correctly as possible but not to be too much of a dick about it when other people get it wrong. You may laugh at particularly egregious examples in private or with a group of close buddies. If you notice any spelling or punctuation errors in the Guide or these Terms and Conditions you may not point them out to anyone or thing, but you may ponder whether they were inserted intentionally to keep you on your guard.

(4)       Any resemblance to persons living is unintentional. Any resemblance to persons dead is entirely intentional. Any resemblance to persons half-dead or undead is most likely a coincidence. Just leave it.

(5)       If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. If you liked putting a ring on it, you should have put another ring on it. And so on. Eventually, if you are enthusiastic enough, you will have built an enormous tower of rings, reaching up to the heavens, visible from space, and vulnerable to high winds. You will probably need to appoint some sort of security team to protect the ring tower from attack or theft, as well as a maintenance team to ensure the tower does not lose its lustre or structural integrity. This will be expensive, but the costs can probably be covered by charging tourists to come and observe the tower, and by offering souvenir t-shirts, caps and postcards depicting the ring tower, although you will also need to have some sort of mechanism in place to ensure your profits are not eroded by those who wish to cash in on your hard work through the sale of counterfeit items of lower quality. This might be achieved through incorporating some sort of certificate of authenticity for genuine ring tower souvenir products, or perhaps even building in a unique hologram or microchip of some description. These are just kind of initial thoughts, though – there are professional consulting firms who can probably advise on these things. Just remember – the whole endeavour started as a bit of fun, an expression of your childlike pleasure and joy, and you should never lose sight of that. Don’t make it something it’s not. Keep true to yourself. It’s the only real truth you can ever know.

(6)       AEOSK takes no responsibility.

 

Part F (eff)

 

(1)       We may revise these terms and conditions from time-to-time without prior notice and for reasons which may appear inexplicable, unwise or insane.  Revised terms and conditions will apply to the use of this fuckin’ thing from the date of thinking about publication of the revised terms and conditions in this Guide.  Please check with Dan regularly to ensure you are familiar with the current version, or suffer the consequences (subject to variation).

(2)       In the event that the use of this Guide provides you with erotic stimulation which results in successful sexual congress and reproduction, the earnings of any and all resulting offspring remain the property of AEOSK in perpetuity.

(3)       AEOSK does not accept liability, whining or namby-pamby behaviour of any description, under any circumstances, or in the eyes of any or all Gods.

(4)       Have fun, pals. 


[1]If you wave at these terms and conditions, sure, it’ll seem like nothing has changed, like there’s no difference to your life. But that’s the way it seems when we do any little thing, right?  Like that little thing is a completely independent and inconsequential action. But what we forget, and what the Terms and Conditions for this Guide have seemingly forgotten, is that these tiny actions make up the bulk of our lives. If we read the history books, it’s quite easy to imagine that Gandhi never pointed at an encyclopaedia or shrugged at a phone bill. But it’s likely he did bothof these things more often than he indulged in non-violent protest or fashioned an iconic outfit from a bed sheet. Take away the moments when we gesture at publications, and what are we left with? A morass of seemingly unconnected moments of varying significance. If you choose to wave at these Terms and Conditions, you choose to bridge two moments, for good or for ill. The choice is yours.

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Written by hahildebrand

October 4, 2011 at 11:48 am

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