H Anthony Hildebrand

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The ‘Jan’ letters

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Recently I stole a large box of papers from a skip next to an office building. Inside were letters from a correspondent known only as ‘E’, all addressed to a ‘Jan’. The enigmatic missives beg a multitude of questions: who were/are these people? How do they know one another? Etc?

Below I have reproduced the letters which sat at the top of the box, to give you a sense of the delight, intrigue and wonder I felt upon reading them for the first time. In coming days I hope to reveal more of this fascinating correspondence, time and inclination permitting.


Dear Jan

Is it usual for a person, on completion of a bowel movement, to give that movement a rating out of 10, where 1 is deeply unsatisfying, 10 is completely satisfying, and 5 is average? Is it also usual to provide additional commentary on the physical consistency and hue of the movement? Why would a person do such a thing? Also how often do you achieve above average ratings?



Dear Jan

Is Jan pronounced ‘Jan’ or ‘Jan’? I am asking for my friend, who is deaf.



Dear Jan

I am considering taking up Satanism, but I am unsure whether to join the Church of Satan or the Reformed Church of Satan. I am drawn to the pomp and the costumes of the Church of Satan, but the Reformed Church puts on a much more impressive sandwich spread. Also, the CoS tends to burn down huge and impressive cathedrals, while the Reformers tend only to set fire to more humble places of worship. Perhaps I should think of my political career. Did you know that there has only ever been one Satanist elected President of the United States? We both know how things turned out for him.




Terrible news. A cock-up with the autocue, I think. I can’t imagine what else it could have been. Why else would the anchorwoman pronounce ‘beachcomber’ ‘beachcoma’? There is a significant difference between falling into a deep beachcoma, and falling into a deep beachcomber, particularly in winter. Or am I being a prude?



Written by hahildebrand

February 25, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Posted in Things

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