H Anthony Hildebrand

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My lunch with Lord Alan Sugar

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As the new series of The Apprentice approaches (BBC1, 9pm), I sat down with Lord Alan himself to discuss just what it is that makes him Britain’s most successful – and famous – entrepreneur.

HAH: Lord Sugar, you’re eating swordfish. What does this say about you, as a man?

LAS: It says I like fish. It says that I’m carefree, whimsical, and playful, but I am also ruthless, determined, virile, and salty. I have eaten 50 per cent of this swordfish. This indicates that I am intending to take a controlling interest in this fish; if necessary, to stage a hostile takeover. It says I am now, at this moment, part fish. Merman. I will remain so until my next bowel movement, which I estimate will occur [consults watch] in 17 hours from now. Until then, I will be imbued with the powers of the merman. I will commune telepathically with aquatic creatures. I will despise and fear the fishmonger. I will sneak up behind the mermaid, caressing her breasts, and when she deposits her eggs in the ocean wave, I will spray my misty, foggy merman seed in the surrounding waters, allowing fate to determine which of the eggs is gifted with life, and which is left as so much seajunk, awaiting consumption by passing beasts. I will swim at the side of a great ocean liner, jauntily executing leaps of great beauty and athleticism, thrilling the watching passengers, who will wave and gawp from their portholes, filming me on their iPhones and uploading their videos to YouTube (or Vimeo, if they are bearded and/or wearing an interesting t-shirt) where they will be viewed by more people than the passenger has ever met in their entire life. The viewing figures will bring happiness to the passenger, joy disproportionate to the skill utilised to videograph a cavorting merman, but joy nonetheless. As my performance comes to an end, the ship’s captain will order the crew to unfurl a banner, a banner which praises me as the greatest businessmerman to ever have lived, and invites me to dine at the prestigious captain’s table, and which, reading between the lines, is a message of such naked lust and longing, such raw sexual need, that I understand at once that the ship’s captain has fallen in obsessive, throbbing, supercharged erotic love. I know that if I board that ship, I will have it in my power to fulfil every last wet, oily, merman-on-man fantasy the aging ship’s captain has ever secretly harboured – pun very much intended – and that I can leave him breathless, panting and exhausted, lost in orgasmic rapture, smoking his post-coital pipe, blissfully uncaring of his vessel’s imminent collision with a Greenpeace anti-whaling protest boat, and the deaths of thousands of retirees and spoilt Eastern European teenagers and environmentalists and low-paid shipboard entertainers and cleaning staff and officers and croupiers and engineers and French saboteurs. But I shake my head, and I’m like, nah, mate, I’m just an East End barrow boy made good, I’m not one for big words or fancy talk, whatcha playin’ at? And off I swim and as I approach the shore I excrete the last of the swordfish – a guilty pleasure, voiding one’s bowels near a crowded tourist beach – and I transform from businessmerman to businessman and I head to a meeting of the board of the BBC initiated IPTV project known as YouView (formerly known as Project Canvas) which is also backed by ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 and broadband providers including BT and TalkTalk.

HAH: Lord Sugar, thanks for your time.

LAS: A pleasure.


Written by hahildebrand

March 18, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Posted in Things

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One Response

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  1. Loved it 🙂


    May 6, 2013 at 7:00 pm

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