H Anthony Hildebrand

H Anthony Hildebrand's site

Traditional Christmas cracker jokes

with one comment

This year I was asked to provide some Christmas-themed jokes for our home made crackers. I searched in vain for anything suitable online, and in the end I was forced to write my own. You might find yourself in a similar situation next year. If that’s the case, feel free to use any (or all!) of the jokes below. They’re bound to be a Yuletide hit!!

Q. How can you tell if a reindeer has been down your chimney? A. There is a critically injured reindeer bleeding on your living room floor.

Q. What do you call a turkey with a duck and a chicken inside it? A. Promiscuous.

Q. What do Father Christmas and Jesus have in common? A. Beards

Q. Why did Rudolph have a red nose? A. It was a tumour 😦

Q. What did Father Christmas say to Rudolph after they had finished delivering all of the presents? A. “Get your coat – you’ve pulled.” (Rudolph later successfully sued him for sexual harassment.)

Q. How can you tell the difference between Evil Father Christmas and regular Father Christmas? A. The murders

Q. In England in the 18th century, who was responsible for cooking the Christmas turkey? A. Slaves!

Q. Why don’t more people in the West feel ashamed of the traditional Christmastime over-indulgence and wasteful spending? A. Booze

Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? A. Irritable bowel syndrome

Q. What will you get if you have unsafe sex or share needles at Christmas? A. Yule get AIDS [You’ll get AIDS]

Two snowmen are in a field. One turns to the other and says: “I don’t know about you but I can smell carrots!” The other snowman says nothing. So the first snowman says again: “I don’t know about you but I can smell carrots!!” He gestures at his carrot nose, and waits, expectantly, for a response. But there is none. The other snowman has died of hypothermia.

Q. What do racists call Father Christmas? A. Father Christmas

Q. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A. You wake up wet! It was definitely a snowman, honest!! I know, I know. I need to cut down on the drink. But it’s not like I meant to do it, Sharon, so lay off, ok? No, I’m not ‘ruining Christmas’. For God’s sake. The kids like their presents. You like this fucking car or train or whatever it is, don’t you Joshie? You don’t like your mum’s whinging, though, do you? Sod this. I’m going to the pub.

Q. What happens when Father Christmas does a fart? A. He shits himself

Q. Why did Father Christmas cross the road? A. The properties on this side of the road were mainly warehouses and offices and other commercial buildings, while on the other side there were a number of affordably-priced residential rental units designated for low income families and those in critical industries, such as the emergency services, healthcare, or teaching. As a consequence there were a number of families celebrating Christmas on the other side of the road, while relatively few (or none, if you discount the family of Dennis, a down-at-heel former attorney attempting to raise his family in the rafters of a manila envelope distribution business) on this side of the road; Father Christmas, who fancies himself something of an efficiency expert, chose to cross the road in order to disperse the most presents amongst the highest concentration of residents in the shortest amount of time (see diagram below). In the event, he forgot about Dennis and his wife and two daughters, really capping off what had been quite a bad year for them.

A diagram that will help in the telling of this joke!

A diagram that will help in the telling of this joke!

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One Response

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  1. Thoroughly CRACKED me up!

    alarmingman

    December 27, 2012 at 12:41 am


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