H Anthony Hildebrand

H Anthony Hildebrand's site

10 annoying breaches of cinema etiquette

with 5 comments

We all like going to the cinema, but as today’s story about a man shooting another man in a texting row (where else but America???) shows, sometimes your actions can really irritate fellow audience members.

To avoid getting shot or worse, here’s our guide to the top 10 cinema audience etiquette gaffes.

DON’T:

  1. Eat anything loud or crunchy, or slurp your drink
  2. Shit yourself
  3. Stage elaborate shadow puppet shows, particularly those mocking the action of the film or your fellow audience members, either directly or via allegory
  4. Spontaneously combust
  5. Rest your feet or ANY other appendage on another cinemagoer without their consent
  6. Attempt Tuvan throat singing in the style of the Tuva people of southern Siberia, even if goaded
  7. Flood the cinema, with water, tears, or any other liquid
  8. Summon demons, hexes or antichrists
  9. Talk
  10. Use opera glasses with comically long lenses which extend from your face all the way to the screen itself
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Written by hahildebrand

January 14, 2014 at 12:56 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Just wondering what could be worse than getting shot in a cinema…… drowned in a cinema?

    I particularly get annoyed by people rusling sweet bags in the middle of the most romantic/exciting/dangerous event on screen aaarrrggghhhh – which is probably why I prefer to read the book at make up my own pictures. That way no-one is in danger of getting stranggled or worse (lashed verbally).

    Vibeke Ulmann

    January 14, 2014 at 5:52 pm

  2. A man in Mexico was once arrested for trying to wank off a puppy in a cinema. I shit you not.

    Lt Col Alvaro Jimanez, Tijuana State

    January 15, 2014 at 11:13 pm

  3. Oh fuck off, Jimanez. Not that old chestnut again.

    Paglia Haddock, Dept of Animal & Plant Psychology, University of Maryland

    January 15, 2014 at 11:16 pm

  4. I strongly resent the inference that the Tuva of Sothern Siberia are hell-bent on ruining other’s people’s cinematic experience. It is, at best, clumsy, at worst, racist. The Tuva have a long and varied tradition of cinema-going and have, by and large, done so in a spirit of cooperation with their Slavic neighbours. Your verbal tirade is reminiscent of Gagarin’s demonisation of this noble people and you deserve a kick in the fuck teeth young man.

    Dmytro Sandovic, Bangor.

    January 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm

  5. I apologise for my inappropriate language. I meant to say ‘fucking’, not ‘fuck’. Sorry, it’s just this kind of horse-play makes my blood boil.

    Dmytro Sandovic, Bangor.

    January 15, 2014 at 11:25 pm


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