H Anthony Hildebrand

H Anthony Hildebrand's site

‘Classic’ Tweets

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I have a Twitter account. It is @hahildebrand. These are some of the things I have written on there at some point (or, earlier, under the @juniorministers account). If you would like to follow me, that would be lovely. And if you’d like to repeat any of these things – ie, to look cool to your friends/enemies etc – please attribute ’em to me. Thanks, pals. I’ll probably update this every now and then.

Those Tweets, then.

Get reincarnated or die trying.

The opposite of Schindler’s List is Juno.

With an abacus, size doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it that counts.

I know Jordan in the biblical sense. (ie I read half-truths and lies written about her by people who weren’t actually there at the time.)

I’d rather be burned as a whom, than a which.

If you are afraid of being murdered, try this: stab yourself once a day, every day. Over time you will build up an immunity.

When life gives you lemonade, make lemonadeade.

Sometimes I think I’m looking back on the shark attack with rose tinted glasses, but then I remember all the blood in my snorkel mask.

Can’t remember what’s worse – racism, or sexism? Help a brother out, bitches.

My 80s skincare regime included a LOT of axelfoleyating.

Cyclopses come from that one island.

Nuns are birds of pray.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Breakdance unexpectedly, and the world looks on in fuckin’ awe.

I am wearing a smoking jacket, smoking shirt, and smoking trousers. I have been badly burned.

Give a man a fish and he will live for a day. Fill a submarine with fish and there will be hell to pay, young man.

The thing about islands is water.

If you can’t beat them, join them. They’ll present a larger and less mobile target. Then beat them.

You say ‘tomato’. I say ‘tomato’. We both work for the Tomato Promotions Council.

Let’s run it up the flagpole and see who goes to war and dies for it.

Q. What is a Mole? A. A Vole on crutches.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My mother was a kleptomaniac.

When Great Britain wears something sheer, everyone can see its coastline.

On a romantic date, maintain eye contact at all times, including during the film.

Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give clay pigeon shooting a bad name.

Q. Why did the chicken read The Road? A. A friend had recommended it as the chicken had previously enjoyed Blood Meridian.

The trouble with putting your best foot forward is the awkward conversation with the other foot.

93% of people deserve to have their nipples clamped, according to sadistics.

The most impractical mythological creature was the horsemanship.

In the olden days, when the letter S looked like an F, Sunday was Funday. But they also fucked ice lollies, so there’s that.

I like my women the way I like my chicken: intensively reared.

– Humans are the animal that find it hardest to get to sleep (not counting sheep).

No Nanny McWin, no Nanny McPhee.

“That’s just semantics,” she insisted. “No, that’s just some antics,” he countered.

I like to send get well soon cards to people who live in arid areas.

– “Ho ho ho, my sex is on fire” – Kings of Noel

– Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman says ‘You’re bard’ and Shakespeare goes nuts, glassing like 6 guys before the cops arrive

– The penguin is mightier than the swordguin.

– I wish the Mission:Impossible films were about priests failing to convert natives who have a strong, vibrant tradition of secular humanism.

– When the Village People left their village, the remaining villagers had to look elsewhere for many essential services.

– My colleagues surprised me for my birthday by having some cake burst out of a lady.

I’ve been beaten to death by a lot of old people.

– You never see Peter Pan and Robin Hood in the same room together, having really hot sex.

– Lying: the most fun you can have with your pants on fire.

–  ‘Am I Wright, or am I Wright?’ – Orville and Wilbur Wright

– Forget about holding the running of the bulls here, Jake. It’s chinatown.

– Found a picture of Jesus on my toast. With Nutella all over his face he looks REALLY racist.

– For years I saved all of my pocket money. When I left home I spent it all on thousands of pockets.

– Work out your nickname by putting the words “The Twat” between your first name and surname.

She wore an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini, which many thought unsuitable for an open casket.

Been wearing elbow patches for a while. Now down to two elbows a day.

I like my women the way I like my coffins: without my grandfather inside them.

– Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got. My lunar expedition was largely considered a failure.

– I always keep a bullet in my breast pocket in case someone throws a bible at me.

– “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow/This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo” – Eminem’s sad birthday cake song

– Every word of the Bible is TRUE. Which makes it very repetitive.

I say tomatoes. You say two martyrs. I apologise for the misunderstanding.

Just witnessed an attempted murder. Two of the crows flew off.

– The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, and the Lord occasionally dineth in.

–  I hate it when you wave at someone because you think they waved at you but it turns out they are triumphantly brandishing a severed arm.

– If you’re thinking about removing a letter from the word ‘donut’: don’t

– “Nobody puts baby in a Corner” – Muller spokesman

– I would like to learn to play the guitar but I hate feeling like I am strangling and tickling a swan simultaneously.

Q. What’s the difference between a jumper and a pullover? A. One is suicide, the other is murder.

– *puts words between asterisks*

– I wish more historians would change their names to Victor.

– Does your sink have separate hot and cold taps? Two taps for yes; one tap for no.

– RT @Moses: RT @God: You shall have no other gods before me. (1/10)

– Bad spelling is such a turn on. *winks*

– Famous Scottish films: 1. Braveheart 2. Trainspotting 3. Aye, Robot

– Pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out.

Written by hahildebrand

July 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

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